I think this picture fits too well during this time, with this pandemic I realized that some family members can be toxic and that sometimes it means nothing to them what you think or what you feel…
I’ve grown up in a family where it’s not common to tell what you feel, it’s not ok to cry and if something is bothering you or is hurting you it’s better to keep it quiet.
My dad always told me to be strong and not to cry and my mom always ignored how I felt until I hit rock bottom…
You don’t realize those things leave a mark until you’re an adult and realize you have a lot to heal.
I’ve always tried to change myself and do what they wanted and be what they wanted me to be but I realized that’s not what makes me happy.
And truth is I’m staring to think I’m losing myself just to please them and that I’m becoming more like them.
I’ve learnt that in my family you just have to swallow your tears and hide your feelings, is that why I’m also swallowing my feelings while I overeat?
I feel they have not supported even me once, they act like they do but they truly don’t, or am I overthinking?
I started a weight loss journey but I see myself going back to overeating again, I asked for their support but I got nothing back, just that I’m caring too much about my looks when I honestly feel like shit because I’m obese and my health sucks.
I don’t know how to feel at the moment… There’s some good days and some bad days but lately most of the days I feel like if I am about to have a mental breakdown. I can’t seem to seek professional help right now because I know I will get judged by them, both my parents and my siblings.
My heart hurts so much lately and it beats so fast I feel I’m about to die, I just wish it could stop for good.
I don’t do well under peer pressure. If someone applies pressure me into something, even if I say no, they don’t stop until I do it. It’s not easy to just leave when I car pooled. I hate being the downer with a group. I hate being the “weak” one because I don’t want to do something. I hate being a disappoint. I hate being a failure. I hate the rude comments. I hate peer pressure. I fold. The word “No” only seems to apply to sexual encounters, nothing else.
Here I am once again… Having this internal fight with my mind and my soul. Why am I having such a crisis again? I don’t want to feel like this again, I want to have a normal life without having to worry about my emotional state. I’m surrounded by people but why do I feel so alone? I can’t express my thoughts or feelings with my close ones and the feelings and thoughts are eating me alive..
This fucking pandemic messed everything up, the lockdown, the stress, the possibility of losing the job of my dreams, getting a new job because I need it but not feeling ready for the responsibilities that come with it, worrying 24/7 about the future and basically feeling like I don’t have anybody supporting me is giving me a mental breakdown…
They said I should be happy and be grateful that I’m healthy and I have a new job while others lost theirs and can’t get a new one easily. I feel grateful but why do I have this mixed feelings??? Am I being a hypocrite? Or am I being honest? Why does everyone feel I’m just resentful and complaining? Why is talking about feelings so difficult with my family? Why do they underestimate these things? Am I just week? They’ve always said I’m the weakest even while I’m the oldest of my siblings.
Lately I just feel like I’m just faking it all, smiling and pretending to be fine when truth is I have these anxious thoughts and my heart is always racing so fast, the constant headaches give me insomnia or fatigue.. I just want all this to stop once and for all and I also hope and pray to God that I can get my life back again even when I feel I’ve disappointed him too like I disappoint everyone in my life. Seems to me that to them I’ll never be good enough.
